How Should we face Suffering and Death?

Life sucks and then you die, but that's no excuse to not have yourself a little fun in the meantime.

I buried my mom today.

It’s probably not wise to publish this as my hope is to grow my Substack and Twitter following, but maybe there’s something to be said for being human tonight.

My 99 yo grandma passed away on Thanksgiving this year while me and my 15 yo special needs daughter were visiting her, and my mom passed on Christmas Day from the most ugly form of cancer out there (pancreatic+).

I’ve warned the ladies I’m dating that they should probably run for the fucking hills before Valentine’s Day gets here in 2023.

(Above - Charlotte Galicinao, my Rescue Mom. She took me in after an early childhood of severe abuse when I was 11, and she’s the reason I didn’t commit suicide or become an ax murderer. I was a raging, preteen nightmare on fucking steroids when she found me, but her unconditional love led me to be there for so many others, especially my students who themselves are misfits facing their own personal hells.)

I also got divorced this year after 15 years of marriage and had to endure months of humiliating rejection after graduating before finding my new home at Rutgers, and I’m currently couch surfing and living out of my car.

And I almost died in January in a motorcycle accident. I was wearing a helmet and was in full leathers, so I escaped with just yet another concussion (I’ve accumulated quite the impressive collection of closed head injuries over the years, in case you can’t tell) and a shattered collarbone.

So, in short, this fucking year has……. Well I’m not sure, really.

---

Political systems, economic systems, religious systems, moral systems - they come and they go. Pain remains eternal, for me, for you, for everyone.

Everything we do as humans is aimed at the confrontation between us and the inevitability of suffering and death. That’s the root of Philosophy, Religion, Civilization, and basically everything we do.

So let’s dive into Three Great Confrontations with The Suck:

---

Stoicism, courtesy of Marcus Aurelius -

1. Carefully distinguish what’s directly under your control from what isn’t. This is really the basis of the Stoic approach. The Stoic philosopher Epictetus said: “What, then, is to be done? To make the best of what is in our power, and take the rest as it naturally happens.” That became the basis of the Serenity Prayer made famous by Alcoholics Anonymous: “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.” Marcus likewise tells himself, “It is necessary that those who wish to follow Nature and be of one mind with her should also adopt a neutral attitude” toward things like pain and illness, by accepting the sensations and focusing instead on their own response to suffering (9.1).

2. Compare the consequences of struggling versus acceptance. The Stoics liked to say that it’s not really pain that’s our problem but rather the fear of pain. Struggling against things we can’t change can add to our emotional suffering. They want us to learn a healthy and rational attitude of acceptance instead. Of course, if there are practical steps that could potentially help your condition then take them. However, Marcus reminds himself, in vivid terms, of the futility of struggling against suffering that is beyond our direct control: “Imagine every man who is grieved at anything or discontented to be like a pig which is sacrificed and kicks and screams” (10.28). We commonly intensify our emotional suffering by struggling against events in futile ways and growing frustrated with life.

3. Remember that it’s not events that upset us but our judgements about them. This ancient Stoic doctrine became the fundamental premise of modern cognitive therapy. Pain and illness are unpleasant but you add another layer of suffering when you allow yourself to indulge too much in negative thinking about your condition. We can learn a great deal from those admirable individuals who are able to view physical illness more constructively.  Marcus says that we should remember that unpleasant physical sensations, such as pain, are natural and inevitable in life, but that our conscious mind should not, “add to the sensation the opinion that it is either good or bad” (5.26).

   Take away thy opinion, and then there is taken away the complaint, “I have been harmed.” Take away the complaint, “I have been harmed,” and the harm is taken away. (4.7)

4. Practice letting go of the inner struggle and actively accepting painful sensations. The Stoics compared life to a dog tied to a moving cart. If the dog tries to struggle and resist it will be pulled along roughly by the cart anyway. However, if it chooses to run behind at the same speed as the cart, things will go smoothly. If we struggle against unpleasant experiences such as pain and try to resist them or become frustrated or resentful toward them then we often just make our lives worse.

5. Contemplate how others cope well with pain and illness and model their attitude and behavior. Marcus must have seen countless examples of others coping with pain and illness throughout his life during the plague and wars that afflicted the empire. Some people cope with such adversity better than others, of course. The Stoics advise us to learn from the example of those who face adversity with wisdom and courage, and emulate their behavior.

---

Buddhism -

The Pali word dukkha is most commonly translated to English as “suffering.” Dukkha presents in an array of emotions — from happiness to despair. While counterintuitive, it is a central concept in the Buddha’s teachings. In these passages, adapted from longer teachings on Lion’s Roar, nine teachers explain what suffering is, how we feel it, and why it isn’t a condemnation — it’s a joyous opportunity.

Suffering was the Buddha’s first teaching

From “Buddha’s Four Noble Truths” by Tulku Thondup Rinpoche

The Buddha’s first teaching was on the Four Noble Truths… “Oh Bhikshus, there are four noble truths. They are the noble truths of suffering, the cause of suffering, the cessation of suffering and the path to the cessation of suffering.”

According to Buddhism, we living beings are trapped in the cycle of existence known as samsara. In samsara, we wander aimlessly and experience unbearable suffering—day and night, year after year, life after life—because of the tight grip of our grasping at self. In order to heal this disease-like condition, first we have to find its cause, and then we apply the medicine-like path of training to restore our original good health, which is enlightenment.

---

Christianity -

God Calls Us To Praise Him When We Suffer

James 1:2-4 teaches, “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” Since trials lead to maturity, we can and should praise God through our struggles.

Suffering Is A Natural And Normal Aspect Of Life In Our Fallen World

God created our world as good, but not perfect. As sin entered the world, the consequences of sin began to extend across humanity. Today we sometimes endure suffering that is not due to any fault of our own, but rather due to the fallen nature of our world.

Realize Suffering Is Under God’s Control.

God may allow suffering, but He also has the power to relieve or stop it whenever He desires. In the book of Job, he suffered terrible pain as part of a period of testing in his life. God later healed Job, blessing the later part of his life more than the earlier part of his life. We may not understand why God allows suffering, but we can trust He is in control of our situation.

God Is With Us Through Our Pain.

Matthew 28:20 promises Jesus is with us always. He does not leave during difficult times, even when we feel He is silent. Instead, He remains with us, even if everyone else leaves, offering love and hope during our darkest hour.

Remember Suffering Is Temporary

Human suffering began in the Garden of Eden following the fall of Adam and Eve (Genesis 3). However, sin will not remain with us forever. For believers, we will escape sin the moment our life ends and we live with the Lord for eternity. At the end of time, God will create a new heaven and earth where His people will live with Him without sin forever (Revelation 21-22).

Suffering is not enjoyable, but the Bible does offer ways to face it. When we praise God in all circumstances, understand suffering is part of this world, know God is in control, realize He is with us, and remember suffering is temporary, we can better endure the difficult times we face in this world.

Jesus said, “In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world” (John 16:33). He knows our troubles and will help us overcome them as we continue to trust in Him.

---

My Own Take -

1. Everything is on loan and has to be given back. Our loved ones, our friends, our health. We get it for just so long, and then we have to return it. Thinking anything belongs to us is a delusion that leads to pain.

2. Empathy is everything. The whole point of my career and my blog is to extend empathy and compassion out as far as I can, including to people I vehemently disagree with and hate me for my views and my identities.

3. Love matters. Every act of kindness and love is a pebble or a rock thrown into the river, and that ripples out further than we ever see or imagine. If Charlotte hadn’t taken in a not-exactly-house-broken me, and I truly was Hell on Earth, I would have spread pain, misery, and hate far and wide. But she taught me to channel that energy into being productive, and I’ve been a shepherd for my fellow misfits ever since. I can’t say I’m not an asshole or a troublemaker, because I am, but as such I have a unique ability to descend down into the darkness and be there for others in pain.

4. The whole damned point of life is to pass on the Light to the next generation. Life was, is, and will always be dark. But within each of us is a Spark of Divine Light. You receive it from your elders, you nurture it and make it grow, and you pass it on as a gift to others, so they can pass it on themselves long after we’re gone.

5. It doesn’t matter until it does. When I almost died in January, it was a beautiful day up in the canyons - I was on my way to a date with a lovely young lady, sparks encompassed me all around into a comet-like flash as the crash bar scraped against the pavement, and I had Bon Jovi blaring in my helmet -

And my final thought before I got flipped up and over my bike, coming down face first on the pavement and losing consciousness was, “This is a pretty great way to die.”

The Eastern religions preach that your mental state at the very end determine your rebirth. And if that’s true, I feel like I’ve lived pretty well.

Romance, adventure, love, compassion, meaning, perspective. I can’t say I haven’t made the most of my 4+ decades on this planet, and that’s not nothing.

And from Rebecca’s comment below:

I myself am a Christian, and I think you missed something essential about Christian perspectives on suffering, which is the absolutely crazy idea that God understands our suffering intimately because he was incarnate as a human being and suffered as we do. And it was through Jesus' suffering, death, and resurrection that we have hope. The idea of God suffering as a fellow human seems radical to me.

---

In Conclusion -

It’s a rough world for everyone. Keep to the Light, Love Thy Neighbor As Thyself, and Try Your Best To Not Be An Asshole, no matter how good it might feel in the moment.

Peace out. Here’s to a better 2023….

-Dr. Nathanial Bork.